Small Favors

I’m sitting in a movie theatre and my husband and I are holding hands.*

They are warm and on the small side, but large enough that they engulf my tiny ones. His nails are clipped and clean. I twirl a bit of his arm hair between my fingers. I like his arm hair – it’s wiry and soft all at once. Sometimes he has hangnails, but not today. Cuticles are tight, clean, and soft, bbs.

The way we hold hands changes as we watch –tight, fingers clasped. Then it loosens or we separate completely to grab a handful of popcorn or take a sip of the Icee that we’re sharing. We cover our mouths after a guffaw escapes. Our hands find each other. My hand is on his side of the armrest, then his migrates to my side of the armrest. We hold each other loosely – one of us running our fingers up and down the other’s palm. He kisses my hand, almost absentmindedly, so frequent is this move on his part.

I no longer hold hands with an absent mind.

There is nothing so important to me now as holding my husband’s hand. He is alive and healthy and I am alive and getting healthier and we are on this planet together and we get to HOLD HANDS.

WHAT A FUCKING DELIGHT.

I’ve never been known for my Pollyanna vibes. Most people in my real life would tell you that I am a depressive gremlin, even more pessimistic than they come, carrying a low-grade cynicism the way a top tier Real Housewife keeps a solid .08 BAC at all times. Gratitude journals? LOL to the tenth power. No, babe. I’ve had my heart broken by the world too many times for nonsense like that.

And yet, humiliatingly enough, I find it impossible to be ungrateful for anything these days. I am grateful when my legs make it up stairs and I am not out of breath. I am grateful when I stay awake more hours of the day than not. I am grateful when food doesn’t taste like metal. I’m EVEN grateful when my cat wakes me up at 4 in the morning just to let me know he took a dump. I’m grateful to laugh so hard at this (I cannot stress this enough) STUPID movie.

Today, my inbox is full of missives announcing sales and discounts and for sure, I’ll be taking advantage of a few - this bitch loves to shop and hates to pay retail!! But the truth is, I’m way more invested in that little spot on my husband’s neck that’s warm and soft every time I kiss it. My Chanukah list? Some gift cards, a weird ass serving platter, but top of that list? Kissing that spot on my husband’s neck.

As we cook all day (another thing I’m over the moon about because I absolutely couldn’t do it last year), I’m going to keep checking out my husband’s cute little hands and probably cry a little because we’re here on this planet and I get to be his wife and hold his hand and we get to perform this simple act of love anytime we want. I’M TELLING YOU: A FUCKING DELIGHT.

Please find someone’s hand to hold today. A member of your (chosen or otherwise) family, a partner, a member of your polycule, your kid, a kid who isn’t yours but might need it, your pet, your own.

Actually, wait, yes.

No matter who else’s hand you hold today, take a beat and hold your own. You’re here. There is so much suffering and loneliness and pain in the world – hold your own hand and know that everything is temporary, everything changes, and you will always have you. And you are magic – even and especially if, you’re struggling to believe that today.

Feel the warmth of all those hands and breathe in this moment.

You’re here.

You are here.

This is a small gift that too many other people don’t get to experience anymore. Don’t let your moment slip.

The terrors are out there and they’re waiting for us – there’s no shortage of people reminding of us of this… and maybe for some of us they’re here, maybe they’re taking the long way. We have no way of knowing.

All we know is that we are here right now and I beg you to go (consensually) take a person’s hand and hold it. Not casually. Not limply. Not for less than 30 seconds. Really hold it. Take a breath and let it settle in your body. And before you let go, remember how fucking lucky you are to be able to do it.

I love you. I hope you have pie and warm blankets. Never pay retail.

*not literally. I’m telling this story afterward. I would never use my phone in a movie, I’m not a fucking monster.